I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
