Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
