she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize