Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
