Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
do herpes really smell.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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