its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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