it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Let's get the cat blown out
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
