Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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