Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize