He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
