He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
