dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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