I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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