This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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