Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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