he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
