You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
