"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
