Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
