I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
