Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
