i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
