I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
