You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
