Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish you could order shots online.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
