Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
