I bet he comes in French.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
