my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
