Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
