i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
