Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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