Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
