grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
