I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
