Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
