I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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