what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
