youre lurking in front of me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
