no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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