I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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