Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
