Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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