When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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