the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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