I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
