I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
