Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize