yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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