I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
