her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
