Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
