Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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