Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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