Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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