Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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