It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
