Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
